Understanding Rejection and Conquering Misogyny
By Johnny Soporno
An alarming number of men I meet, whether 'Community' guys, or just disheartened AFCs, have developed an open hostility towards women - sometimes bordering on genuine misogyny.
This is never helpful for anyone, and it ensures an extended, or perhaps permanent, form of existential misery to anyone who suffers from it.
Whenever I encounter these symptoms, I try to root-out the source of their contempt, resentment, and pain - to see if there's an appropriate way to reframe their situation so that they can benefit from it, instead of wallowing in self-imposed celibacy, or other equally contempt-reinforcing habits.
Most often, I hear the exact same complaints:
I bought her drinks all night, and she left with another guy;
She gave me a phony number;
She never took/returned my calls;
She keeps flaking on me when we make plans...
Or worse still:
I took her for an expensive dinner, a show, a nightcap, and I was all-ready to bring her back to my place -
when she told me "Let's Just Be Friends";
Or EVEN worse still:
I took her for expensive dinner after expensive dinner, took her out clubbing, shopping, took her on business trips, paid off her Visa bill... - and she told me "Let's Just Be Friends"!
Now, these guys aren't suggesting that they developed this 'hate-on' for women based upon any of these things happening JUST ONCE - these are the same consistent results they keep getting, time and time again!
So I have frequently tell them this metaphor, to help them reframe their experiences, and to attribute their results to the proper culprits...
You see, I like to go fishing. Every once-in-a-while I'll go out to a gorgeous, deep freshwater lake I know, where the water is absolutely clear - you can see right down to the bottom!
Let me tell you, his lake is teeming with spectacular fish - I'll go out there with my simple rod and reel, settle in for a few hours, and pull in all sorts of really impressive catches!
Now, there are some people I'll notice that will go out to that very same place where I go, hoping to have the same kind of results I do; only these guys will often have gone-out dropped a fortune on gear! They'll have bought themselves a stylin' Escalade, with a tow-hitch for their high-powered motorboat... These guys have will have bought premium gear - all outfitted just-right! Expensive, state-of-the-art Teflon rods, LED-augmented lures, pheromonaly-scented worms, whatever!
They'll go out on the lake, basically to the same place I am, maybe 30 feet away from me... I'll watch them put their hooks on the line and and their worms on the hooks, and I'll watch them toss their lines out into the water.
Now like I said, the water in this lake is completely clear, and you can watch everything as the fish swim right up to their line, sniff around for a moment, and then swim away.
Sometimes you'll see the fish swim up to their line and nibble on the bait -and as the fish are nibbling, the guys will get obvious excited, because they can see the fish too! ...and they'll sit there and watch the as the fish nibble until there's no bait left, and then simply swim away, disinterested.
Sometimes a really beautiful fish will come by and grab their line, and you'll see the guys get into position as the fish starts to swim away with the hook, only to watch in depression as the fish breaks the line, and disappears with their bait...
Sometimes they'll keep the fish on the line, playing it and seeming like their doing things right, to the point where you'll see the fish come right up to the surface! ...and then fall off the line, never to be seen again.
I'll watch their frustration and angst, as they go about setting their gear up again, precisely the same way as before - and their angry distress at having exactly the same results - time and again.
When any of these guys are there, I KNOW they'll have been watching me, as I'm making great pulls with ease, and I can see in their eyes that their stares are filled with daggers... So I'll go up to these guys, in a friendly & supportive way, and ask. 'Wow, lousy day, huh?'
They'll reply, hotly: "Oh, those STUPID, EVIL FISH! They're so manipulative, they're out to get me, they hate me! They just want my bait, but they know I'll keep putting more worms out there as long as it looks like I might get lucky!"
The reality, of course, is that they're fish - and they are doing what's in their nature... and they don't hate us; but they are certainly wary of us, and cautious around us... because they don't want to become anyone's trophy!
So I say to these guys, 'Hey guys! You've got the right equipment; you've got the right bait... but you're not pulling any fish out of this lake?
IN THAT CASE, THE PROBLEM IS YOU! The fish are here! They've been biting all day - it's what you are doing that isn't working.
Stop looking at the fish like they're wicked, nasty, evil fish. They aren't.
They aren't manipulative, they're not scandalous - and there's absolutely no justification to be angry with THEM.
The only thing consistent in ALL your failed relationships is YOU!
If you'd been doing things in the way the fish ACTUALLY WANTED, rather than in the ways that you presuppose fish would want, you'd have no-room left in your boat from all the fish!
So take a step back and say 'Gee, why don't I see whether or not what I'm doing is the reason I’m not succeeding?' and stop blaming the objects of your desire for your own inability to pull them in.